To My 👻

Dear  You,

First of all, I hope you’re well. I have a few things to say about how you let our relationship fall and shatter, instead of putting it down gently. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re willing to listen, but I don’t care if you’re not. Rather than carry these unsaid words, I will unload them and leave them here, for you to take or leave.

The first is that despite your best (or worst?) efforts, I’m truly doing great. My emotional healing has caught up with the mental clarity that your sudden absence revealed to me. Your distance, neglect, and eventual silence were devastating, hurtful, and unwarranted, but they also showed me how strong I am. They revealed a support system of family and friends that is even stronger still. I told you that I needed reassurance and support and agonized that you stopped offering them to me, but guess what? I got them anyway. They came at the eleventh hour and held me up until I could stand again. You withheld these things for “no real reason” and I assume you did so to make an easier exit for yourself. You now have to live with the truth that you did so intentionally, and from a selfish place of fear and cowardice. All of that said, know that you did not break me. That has been true since the second you ghosted.

Next, please know that I wish you no ill, nor are there any hard feelings. Believe me, I searched my SOUL for the faintest trace of resentment, or even a grudge, but I found nothing. I am happy that all I did and wanted to do was to love you with my whole self―even toward the end when  I exhausted myself in both loving and trying to figure out why you were pulling away. I’m so glad that I cared enough to fight for us. Doing so showed me that I could, but more importantly it showed me that I know when to stop, cut my losses, and protect my peace. You didn’t give me room to fight for us, and that just means you aren’t the one. Someone will come around who will value me, my time, and my precious loving energy. They will never even think of being in a position to lose me. But thank you for letting me love you anyway, even though you didn’t know how to receive it. Or maybe you stopped wanting it and never bothered to tell me that things had changed. Regardless, there is SO much more love where that came from. I deserve the same gift of infinite love in return. I’ve always known this, so I am at peace. I hope you are, too.

What we had was great while it lasted, and one day I will find that again. I know I was not faultless in this relationship, but I also know that I loved you well. I know that you loved me, and then you didn’t. I don’t know when or why you stopped, and I don’t need to. But there was a version of you that was “selfish with his time with me.” He cried with me before my first surgery. He hid love notes and cute to-do lists everywhere, never missed a good morning/good night text, and emailed me when he left his phone at home. I don’t know which version he downgraded into, but I hope that second version doesn’t survive. Please don’t feed him whatever dark fuel you seem to be running on. Bring the first version back. If he ever resurfaces, he’ll realize he lost an amazing treasure. But hey, “some ships are relationships, and those ships may sink,” right? 🤷🏾‍♀️

I knew the end was close. I figured it out when I saw that you were in town that day, and I waited for a hello that you were never going to give. I started preparing my heart for this on that day. I didn’t want to, but I knew I’d be better for it. Turns out, I was right. Consider this the goodbye I would have loved to give you. Even though I hate goodbyes, I know that it’s always better to have one than to miss (or be robbed of) the chance.

I hope you get to the bottom of whatever got in the way of us on your end. I’ll leave you to to wonder how good your life could have been, just because I was there. I’m amazing, in all senses, and I know it. If you couldn’t handle it, all you had to do was say so. But “it is what it is,” and you’re free now. Go find less. 🖤

This is where I leave you. I just wanted to acknowledge the importance of what we were, and how much our relationship meant to me. I never took us for granted, not for one second. I’m happy to have loved you and sad to have lost you to your cowardice and whatever else took you away. I’m stronger now than when you left me. I hope you’re better and stronger now too, and wish you all the best if you haven’t gotten there yet. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Warmest regards,

Me